Monday, December 31, 2007

Not to be outdone

My dogs apparently read my friend's blog, and they are apparently competative. Not to be outdone by a cat that catches two mice, they got another rabbit in the backyard. This time there was no question as to who did it - Deuce - R watched it all go down.

I suspect that the recent WD-40 application to the squeaky screen door is a contributing factor for this recent killing. They are able to be way too stealthy.

oh Deucey - why do I have to keep picking up frozen fuzzy carcasses???

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A pact to show more cleavage

I recently realized that although I think of myself as showing a lot of cleavage I don't. This came during a holiday party with friends. It was precipitated by discussion of New Year's Eve and 11Frogs' shirt choices. We encouraged her to wear the one with an amazing amount of um, visibility...
But, why shoudln't we as well?
So, Wintergypsy and I made a pact to get ourselves some shirts/dresses for NYE with the appropriate visibility. We just got another friend in on it too.
We spent the past week acquiring the appropriate lingerie (I have a firm belief that even J.Lo has to have the right foundational garments and a lot of doublesided tape).
Today we are going shopping. New Year's Eve photos should show the results.

Friday, December 28, 2007

update on the rest of my xmas

good news regarding my family's christmas - Matt came backon Christmas day, so there was no crying. He finally returned my mother's calls on Christmas Eve, and while my mother was apologizing to him - yes you heard that right - I called my sister, who was driving to us at the time, to relate the tale and get some confirmation that he is indeed an ass.
the rest of the holiday went well with only one more outburst of shouting/crying, but that was my aunt and related to another aunt who wasn't there.
My family spends all of the free time playing games during get togethers. Games played:
Cribbage, Hand and Foot (a Canasta derivative), Skipbo, a somewhat unpopular new game - How Much?, Hearts, and several drunken rounds of Sequence.
Games that we didn't get to: Scrabble, Apples to Apples or Tripoly
I have requested the following games be given to me as gifts prior to next year's holiday season: Pit and Ultimate Stratego (I saw Ultimate Stratego on an advertisement and am very pumped to try it).

Monday, December 24, 2007

Why you need a dad

My mother raised us without a great deal of help from my father. or men in general.
I thought this was going just fine, and for my sister and me, probably turning out just peachy. Guess we will see who we marry.

But, I have come up with a list of reasons why you need one, or why one would have been helpful yesterday/today:
1) teach my brother how to conduct himself properly - this should include: shovel the driveway BEFORE you drive cars all over it and it becomes big lines of ice, don't yell at visitors when they pull the car into the garage after a 12 hour car trip, don't throw their luggage, help your grandmother out of the car
2) call out laziness in my brother - I think it might be a gender thing, but my mother has no problem telling me and my sister if we are being lazy, but she doesn't say it to my brother. And that kid needs to get called out - he didn't do ANYTHING in the past two days I have been here, including not cleaning a dish, not getting someone a drink, not trying to cook/serve/carry anything.
3) Slapping the impudence out of my brother - today he arose at around 11am and stomped out of the basement and past my mother, aunt, grandmother and me playing a game at the dining room table. My grandmother said something like, hi Matt, glad to see you are up. Matt grunted and slammed the door as he entered the garage. My grandmother then said, oh, I guess he didn't want to talk. and we laughed lightly. My mother then made an excuse for him, he doesn't like to talk in the morning. My brother slammed the door back open and stomped back in yelling about us talking behind his back and if we have something to say, say it to his face. (ummm, picture yelling at your freaking 74 yr old grandmother who is breathing out of an an oxygen hose and sitting in a wheelchair). This was a display of unbridled anger that you might expect to see at bar time (although note, it would be VERY SCARY at bar time even if you weren't the target), not the 11am grandma playing cards sort of thing... My mother sort of says, Matt, no one was talking behind your back. And I said something back to him like, you are out of line and you are yelling at your grandmother. A few more words were exchanged and I got up and said he needed to get out of the room now. If it had come to blows I wouldn't have been surprised.
Then, he drove away.
My grandmother was very upset, and hoped that she didn't say anything that made him go.
My mother said, he will be back, his clothes are here.
Well, about an hour later he drives back in, and picks up his clothes and drove away again. (side note, in the car that my mother bought for him, with gas money from my mother, to an apartment my mother paid for, and to a school that my mother pays for)
He didn't tell my mother he was leaving and on his way out he walked right past my grandmother without saying anything.
So, this will be two years in a row that my brother made my mother cry on christmas. good job Matt.

So, I figure that we need a man/father to oh, I don't know - mentor him into understanding how to act, slam him into a wall, or something. We aren't doing a very good job since we have a 25 year old boy on our hands.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Sweater Thursday - worms in sweaters

I know the whole worms in sweaters thing has been overdone, but it all comes around.


Last night I was running my three errands/day (this is not a result of my time management seminar, just that I realized that when I run errands I hate it. If I make more than three different stops I become despondent, which forces me to quit running errands, which sends me home anxious that I didn't get my errands done, which then drives me to drink. My solution, run no more than three errands per day, and just have more days with errands) and while getting gas I saw the sign I had been looking for:


Live Bait


I galloped inside and proudly asked at the counter if they still had the live bait advertised on the sign. I was directed to a small refrigerator on the floor and the last container of nightcrawlers was mine.


After purchasing it, I walked triumphantly out to my car and noticed the label...


It was a worm in a sweater!!!!!!

sorry about the picture being fuzzy... and yes, I paid 2.39 for worms to eat my garbage and live in my house.

for those of you following the worm bin story, here is a picture of the worms after I introduced them to their new home (pulled lid off and dumped on top of dirt) and the bin in it's resting spot:

Spent a LOT of time to better manage my time

I went to the time mngmt seminar on Tuesday. There were some very good tips. Particularly how to configure Outlook to maximize organization and efficiency. However, the seminar was much like business books I have read - REPETATIVE. She would state a concept, like moving tasks you are waiting for someone else to complete to a waiting for folder/list. Then, she gives an example and restates the concept. Then, states the concept again using different words. Every concept was explained like this - minimally. Most included some follow up later in the presentation as well. I could have gotten the same knowledge in 4 hours. I had to sit in the room without my computer for 8. I did have my notebook though, which is where I composed this blog entry.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I have a lack of drunkeness problem

I was bored last night while driving. When I am bored while driving I call people on my cell phone. (the descriptor there on phone wasn't necessary, eh?)
Next week I spend 6 days or so with my mother, so I wasn't going to call her.
My father and I don't have much to say to each other, and I haven't figured out yet when my siblings and I are going down to his house for xmas. So, I didn't call him.
I called Todd.
Talking to Todd has two effects on me typically and last night was no exception:
Realization A: Todd hasn't changed nor done anything new in the last 5 years. He works same job, same people at work, hangs out at same bars, and hasn't acquired a single new hobby/skill or gone anywhere besides the trip I took him on for his 30th birthday.
Realization B: I have completely different interests than I did when he and I lived in the same town.
There is also the ongoing realization that he is an alcoholic.
Anyhow, the conversation went something like this:
I talk about my work a bit, I talk about my friends and recent parties and events, I talk about upcoming trips/weddings/events.
I ask Todd about what is up with him. Here is what he says:
  • Work is the same. I got a new girl to replace the one they fired and I can't really train her because I am so busy.
  • I am going home to Georgia for two weeks.
  • Saturday night I got into a fight. it was snowing, and a guy threw a tire iron at my head, but it bounced off and knocked out another guy's tooth.
  • I ask - oh, what was the fight about?
  • Well, I guess that the guy was dating my friend until Sat night.
  • I say - oh, and now you are dating her?
  • No, we are just friends.
and this is the completion of the conversation. except that I invited him to the Mardi Gras 09 New Orleans trip and he is in.

When I started this post, I felt like the problem was me. That I don't have enough drunken escapades anymore. But, while I do think my current friends aren't getting wildly drunk with me and this means I don't have crazy adventures while drunk, I don't think that having these would result in Todd and I being closer. To accomplish this, he needs to get a more varied and interesting life. I just don't find the run down of bars he went to last night interesting anymore.

Monday, December 17, 2007

What turns you on?

I was in the shower last night using my new soap recommended by 11 Frogs: some hippie castile soap, but she had lavender and I bought the peppermint oil version. I thought about how this might say something about us. Then I read some of the other bottles in my shower. I noticed that some words appealed to me, and some decidedly did not. I then noticed that there was a trend and this also indicates something about my personality. So, here is a list, you decide for yourself.
words that don't do it for me:
redefining
defining
soothing
calming
restore
renew
moisturizing agents
brilliant
warm and inviting
Words that turn me on:
invigorating
vitamins (and derivations: Pro-vitamin formula)
hydrating
volume boosting
illuminating
shine enhancing
infuse

You should do you own research - what do your bottles say about you? - if you are a man with a solitary bar of soap in the shower, well that says something too.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Handmade gifts for commenters - Round 2

I believe in the power of a pyramid scheme, but it only works if we don't incest ourselves. so, since I signed up for Darcy's handmade gift I am resubmitting myself into the pyramid:

I hereby pledge to send a handmade gift to the first three people who comment on this entry. No real promises about time frame, but it’ll be within the next 365 days. In return, you have to post the same offer on your blog, and prepare to send a gift to three other people.

everyone that missed the first opportunity feel free to comment on this one. I do have lots of handmade talents beyond knitting and canning. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I have recently reclaimed a hobby that less than 10% of the US population can do and everyone needs/loves.

Time to learn how to manage time

In case you didn't believe me about this post. Here is an exerpt from a company email:

If you’re feeling swamped and don’t feel like you can sit in a
time-management seminar for a day, consider the fact that if you take away some
useful, time-saving strategies that will increase your productivity, you’ll
quickly gain that day back.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Pay It Forward

I may have found a blog doppleganger (well, without the cynicsm...and the alcoholic tendencies). And, she is doing a pay it forward gift exchange. Per her rules (the first three commenters get a handmade gift), she is going to send me a gift. I think that we have to get her my address, but I was commenter #3!
http://omly.blogspot.com/2007/12/pay-it-forward.html

In turn, I am doing it too:
I hereby pledge to send a handmade gift to the first three people who comment on this entry. No real promises about time frame, but it’ll be within the next 365 days. In return, you have to post the same offer on your blog, and prepare to send a gift to three other people.

this really goes with my theme this x-mas, make it yourself gifts. My entire family is restricted to make it yourself gifts, and my friends and I are even doing a gift exchange next week on the theme. By the way, if you are one of those people, your gift may be 2/3 complete and 1/3 1/3 of the way there. figure out for yourself what the hell that means :)

Time for honesty - Sweater Thursday

This week - I give you a natural colored cable hoodie - and quite a pose...
Honesty Time: I love pictures of myself. This is not to say that every picture of me is flattering. But, each tells me something about myself - for instance the importance of good posture, a hair style is unattractive, and that I do look a bit angry when my face is relaxed.

That is the real reason I love Sweater Thursdays. I like winter articles and have a long list of men I would sleep with, but that hasn't captured my interest like Sweater Thursdays. I don't have that many sweaters, nor do I really LOVE them.

I just enjoy taking pictures of myself.
as evidenced each week as I post the outtakes:

side effect

As a side effect of my dead rabbit and murderous dog situation -
my blog is most likely to be found by those searching for:
"how to dispose of cat corpse"
"disposal of corpse wisconsin"
"disposal of animal corpses"


other searches that found my blog that I find funny:
turn to inferior companions when drinking
huge bulge pants
good excuse for late essay
yuppie drinks
lala nude tiki bar tv
how long do you pressure can apple butter
clan mcgregor scotch review
anti-drinking pill
btu of thing
women in front of fire place
dogs are my favorite pets essays
examples of business emails

and my very, very favorite:
worms in sweaters

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wanted poster

Keep your eyes peeled for the following suspects:
we don't know who did it, but that it was one of these three dogs.
The suspects:
George - AKA "G" - the brains of the operation and the fastest of the three on land. Smart enough to do it, but hasn't completed the kill in previous fuzzy animal captures. However, was "on the streets" in his past and could have killed to live.
Deuce - AKA "the Deucester" - the woman of the group, comes off sweet, however, she is the backup (and possible "closer") when G flushes them out of the brush... could she do it? She was found over the body.
Fynn - AKA Phinneas J Arbuckle - weighing in at 200 lbs and about 3 foot tall to the top of his head, Fynn isn't a man to be messed with. But, he is the definition of a gentle giant without any aggression in his past. Could he have done it and not been aware of the damage he was inflicting?

Gender roles

I have this recently acquired roommate. He is a very nice guy, and I think would have been more than willing to dispose of my recent rabbit problem. But, I didn't ask him. In fact, I left him a note indicating that I would do it.
Why? not because I wanted to dispose of the rabbit, that's for sure.
It is because I couldn't stand the thought that I was asking him to do it because he is a man. I kept thinking - what would I do if I lived alone (as I did just three weeks ago)?
I would have done this myself. and so I did.
I would have shoveled all the snow myself, but he has done 75% of the shoveling this year (thus far... and that is a lot of snow)

I wonder when it comes spring again will we fall into some sort of pattern of work separation? Will it somehow be dictated by traditional gender roles? I wonder if you need to separate the work with two people living together and it just happens that traditional roles make easy lines.
I don't mind the outdoor work and really like the way my garage is organized... I hope that this doesn't become his domain.

Corpse disposal - my new career

I woke up this morning and knew I had something I had to get done. I put on my current comfortable, work-to-do outfit - hiking boots, some very dirty probably smelly jeans, and oversized hooded sweatshirt (which is also dirty as I discover looking down at myself right now) - and got my plastic bags.
I had to beat the blood thirsty beasts back from the door (actually, just said Back! in a commanding tone and my well behaved dogs backed up as they should have, but we need some additional drama to this story) and went out to take care of business.
Good news: it was a rabbit (I was very very scared that it would turn out to be a cat), and it was frozen solid. If you have an animal body to dispose of, best that it is frozen and crumpled into a small heap as mine was.
Bad news: as I was walking it down stairs double bagged something poked through (sharp thin bone), freaked me out a bit. This required that I put it into the thick plastic ice-melt bag before putting into the garbage and setting the whole thing out on the curb.
Additional good news: it was garbage day.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

How to dispose of an animal corpse

It is with mixed emotions that I announce, after countless frantic runs into the backyard in search of small fuzzy animals that DARED to be in the yard, my dogs have killed one.
I don't know what kind of animal it is, except that it is fuzzy and sized like a rabbit or a squirrel.
I was letting them in, and Deuce and Phinneas J Arbuckle wouldn't come inside. Any disobedience by Deuce is rare, so I stepped into the porch to look around. There she was, standing over it, and Phinneas sitting a bit to the side. George was already in the house warming his buns.
I made the dogs come inside then turned on the light and went out to investigate. I still couldn't really see what it was. I took a picture, with the intentions of putting it in this post, but decided to spare you.
Here is the deal, I don't really want to dispose of it, but I will do it tomorrow morning. I already formed a game plan and have allocated the necessary plastic bags.
You may be wondering -what in the world are the mixed emotions mentioned in the first sentence? well, they have been trying to get this done for a long time, you have to admire their devotion. Also, it isn't that easy to kill a living animal directly, I certainly haven't done it. But, overwhelmingly I am sad. Sad for the loss of doggie innocence, sad for the animal, and sad that there is a corpse in my backyard.

Pose Like you are... on an awkward first date


Note, the last picture, those people were actually on a first date.... nice!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Airport Fashion - laptop and sweater

I spent this week in Dayton. Apparently Madison spent the week without me snowing all over my Mustang (which I could not remove from the curb in front of Loud's house) and instituting snow emergencies which will result in tickets on said Mustang.
I didn't let this get me down. I managed to make several mortal enemies this week by pointing out how they didn't do their work or did it very poorly. I spent a great deal of time preaching my own rightousness. This was probably not a smart political move, but I am hiding behind my own competancy and refusing to be obsequious to those who are inferior to me.
Here is a picture of me in the airport on the way home bathed in the light of my own personality: confident, domineering, and magisterial:

This is an outtake that proves it is critical that you pull your posture up and suck in your tummy for pictures:

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The most disturbing thing

The MOST disturbing thing about this article (courtesy of 11Frogs) is that it all makes complete sense to me.
In fact, this guy really seems to have a plan on how to tackle this problem of time management. I would trot off to his meetings dutifully.
I still can't believe that it is funny. I didn't laugh, chuckle, or even smile while reading it.

Am I this guy?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

How to operate Facebook

For working in the technology industry and being technically part of Gen Y, I am a techo-idiot.
This is well demonstrated by my lack of skill at what my friend Sara called "doing facebook". I joined, but I continue to be slow and idiotic at it.

Specific examples:
  • Joanna zombie bit me or something like this, I failed to properly sign up to be a zombie and she had to remind me. However, I then fought her and won. Then I fought her and lost.
  • People email me to tell me that I am not participating correctly on facebook - that they have written on my wall and that I need to respond or they receive the message that I think they suck.
  • I still can't bring myself to ask people to be my friend. It creeps me out.
To rectify my lack of facebook savvy I have started going there more. let's just say I did it for at least 60 minutes today. I have three scrabble games going, I am now a zombie and I updated my status. I also accepted a new friend. look at me go.

I think I am poorly placed Generation wise. I am neither Gen X or Gen Y since I was born in 1979. I think I should be in my own generation. That should be our next essay topic, define your "generation"

PS - if I don't act properly on facebook don't take it personal. I am inept and not rude.