The jagged road through alcoholism diagnosis

I read through that last alcohol post. I thought all was fine until the last sentence. That was when I looked over to the right, saw the picture of the myself drinking, and I realized that blaming your drinking on external forces is probably a great indication of alcoholism.

So, I thought, I better figure out if I have a drinking problem. What better way than to type into Google search engine: How Can I Tell If I Have a Drinking Problem?

Not surprisingly, this results in a few hits. 1.79 million to be exact. This is less than the 1.9 million I got when I looked up modicum for a previous post.

It isn't until I start reading the first one that I realize that most mention privacy (completely confidential and anonymous), and I looked this up on my work computer. Now that the Judes knows that I am concerned about my alcoholism I figure I should keep going. I need to get some help.

So, I start investigating.

the first thing I notice is the source of this one:

Symptom
of Alcoholism - How Do You Know You're an Alcoholic?
The simplest and
most useful way to know if you are an alcoholic is to seriously and carefully
ask yourself if it adversely affects the way you function.
...www.dentalplans.com/Dental-Health-Articles/How-Do-You-Know-Youre-An-Alcoholic-.asp

Dental plans.com. Huh. really? is your dental plan concerned about your drinking? Why didn't my dentist (he is REALLY awesome, let me know if you are looking for a great dentist) ever confront me about my drinking? I guess he is only awesome at my teeth, not really awesome in the alcohol consumption arena.

the next thing I notice is the first three sentences in this one:

How Can I Tell If I Have a Drinking Problem?
The Answer May Be More Simple
Than You Think
The short answer is if you have to ask, chances are you have
a problem.

oh, this seems a bit of a sweeping generalization...

Nevertheless, getting worried, I decide it is time for one of those world famous internet quizzes. They are notoriously accurate and this will seal my fate. I publish the questions, my answers and the verdict for your review below. [Note: at many healthcare organizations such information would be considered confidential. You peons would not be privy to this information. I let you in now only because a publicly posted blog using a pseudonym is one of those foolproof methods of keeping your privacy]

Another tough choice came when I had to pick which quiz to take. Seems like any old person with an internet connection and a professional sounding title has a "tell if you are an alcoholic" quiz out there. I chose the Johns Hopkins one. Not because of their credentials, but because the article listed it first, it only had 20 questions and I wasn't going to go much further.

Question 1: Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Yes or No.

There is no option for leaving work early on Friday to get a parking spot at Capital Brewery's beer garden.
That only happens in the summer, so I said no.



Question 2: Is drinking making your homelife unhappy?
Yes or No.

This one is fairly simple. I live alone and my house, my dogs and my plants have shown very little resistance to my drinking.



Question 3: Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Yes or No.

ha ha.



Question 4: Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Yes or No.

Well now, I was feeling good. But now the tides turn. I suppose that becoming the comparison for others to define really drunk is affecting my reputation.

I am forced to answer yes. But, I am telling you what, if this quiz tells me I am an alcoholic by one answer I am back to blaming my friends.


Questions 5: Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Yes or No.

This seems unfair. I mean, I once broke my leg after drinking. Who wouldn't feel remorse? Oh, but sometimes I do say mean things to people that I feel bad about in the morning.
Once again, yes.

Question 6: Have you had financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
Yes or No.

Luckily I am a very well paid drinker.


Question 7: Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking?
Yes or No.

uh. It takes me 3 minutes before I even understand this one. I flash to the last four "companions" I have had while drinking... only one of them was inferior at all and I suspect that if I gave him a go in the daylight he might have done just fine.
what is an inferior environment? if they mean a crack house then no. if they mean a smoky bar filled with leather clad men who have rotten teeth, then yes.
I said no.



Question 8: Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Yes or No.

Huh. I don't really have a family. apparently you are more of an alcoholic if you have a family or "homelife". I am getting off easy.


Question 9: Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Yes or No.

No.


Question 10: Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Yes or No.

Do you think that it counts if every time I am drinking coffee in my kitchen and look over at the bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream I seriously contemplate it?
No.


Question 11: Do you want a drink the next morning?
Yes or No.

Unless shotgunning a beer with friends on a canoe trip counts, no.


Question 12: Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Yes or No.

Nope. In fact, I might have imbibed early in my current job to be able to get the work crap out of my head long enough so I could sleep.


Question 13: Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Yes or No.

Nope, I actually drink one bourbon on the rocks to help me write a big monthly report.


Question 14: Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
Yes or No.

I don't think so. I would prefer it if none of you sent the link to this post to my manager, but other than that, no worries.

Question 15: Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
Yes or No.

Sure. I guess that is what my answer to number 12 means. It seems that they get you going or coming.

Question 16: Do you drink alone?
Yes or No.

No, not really. I have done it, but not in a long time and very infrequently.


Question 17: Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Yes or No.

Now, do you think they mean have I pretended to black out so that I don't have to admit to remembering doing certain things? I actually have had only about 3 true blackouts, but I am saying yes.


Question 18: Has you physician ever treated you for drinking?
Yes or No.

No. But this reminds me of a funny story about my friend J-C. He went to the doctor and asked for the doctor to prescribe Anabuse (some anti drinking pill that makes you violently ill if you take it) so that he could train for a half marathon. This didn't last long. He wouldn't be doing well at this quiz.


Question 19: Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Yes or No.

No, I think that I am pretty special to begin with.


Question 20: Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Yes or No.

I am guessing that they don't mean to include the time that I was drinking and fell down a flight of stairs and broke my leg.
So, no.

Stay tuned for the next post on the verdict.